Day 298 The last Song

Well today was clearly not the ideal day. Where sometimes it feels good to come to the hospital to try to make a difference and help some people, occasional you have a day like I just had. The day started and ended on the same note. At 745am I received sign out and my first beeper page was the medical floor where I was called to pronounce someone's passing. I jotted down the room number and proceed towards the floor.
Its not the ideal way to start the day but it is expected. When I arrived at the room I was shocked to learn that it was one of my patients that I had on the previous day. He had throat cancer that was non operable and had a trach that was constantly bleeding. The family was consulted through the years to provide hospice for the patient, but the wife refused. She insisted that everything be done. It really was a shock to me. I didn't take it well. He was alert yesterday when I rounded on him. I'm only talking about it because I just can't forget it. I can't forget how his wife fought for him. She just didn't want to let him go. She was constantly at his side. She use to sleep in the bed next too him. The nurses hated that, but they had no choice. He seemed to be out of control with the nurses and was more calm when his wife was in the room. I still remember a few days ago when a particular smell was coming from the room- It was coming from the trach site that was infested with the metastatic cancer. The room smelled awful. The nurses had changed the sheets but the smell was tough. The only person in the room with him was his wife. I remember finding her sleeping with the bed covers over her face.

When I talked to her, I honestly felt she was neurotic and kind of pushy. But then I took a step back and tried to place myself in her shoes. I realized that its difficult to let go of people we love in this life. And it should be. It should not be something easy. We should all fight long and hard for the people we love, because we love them and cant live without them. Sometimes your judgment can get clouded and you might need time letting go, but for some its difficult and
it should be understood.

At the end of my life . I only hope and pray that someone is by my side praying and fighting for me and she was for him.

The entire situation wiped a part of me that day.

And the day ended with me pronouncing another person at night. I was called to the room for a gentleman that was recently admitted about 2 hours ago! When the nurse paged me she told me
to come pronounce, but that there were family members their. I kind of hesitated a little bit. (Its always difficult to pronounce a patient in front of their family especially when you don't know the history much.) I went to the chart immediately and read a bit of the story. He has severe heart failure. When I walked into the room I was surprised to only see 1 person standing in the room below the bedside. Her eyes were all red and full of tears. She had her hands clench together with a napkin. When I saw the patient he seemed extremely pale. I know from history that he had bleeding but family refused transfusion. I pronounced him dead at 945pm. I walked over and hugged the person in the room and told her how sorry I was for her lost. I stood their to talk to her wondering who she was. In our conversation I realized that she was his wife. She said something like "well after 45 years of marriage.." Wow that seemed like a long time i thought. She also said "and he just sang happy birthday to my son downstairs 2 hours ago." I said my good byes again and talked to her about funeral arrangements and she thanked me. I walked away and left the room. As I was leaving the room I could hear her walk to the bedside and start to moan & cry. I really didn't know what to think. I was just in shock again. Wasn't he just singing happy birthday to his son? and now he is dead? It really took a tole on me. I was pretty much drained and the night is not even over.

The more I spend around people that lose their lives to disease and sickness. The more I see the frailty of life, the more I realize how special each waking moment is. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
(Swiss-born psychiatrist and the author of the groundbreaking book On Death and Dying where she first discussed what is now known as the Kübler-Ross model.) once said that the more you study death, the more you realize how precious life truly is. You learn that you have to live life to its fullest. You have to value as much of the time you have here on this earth. You have to appreciate the time you spent with your family and friends. And the more time I spend in the hospital and experiencing moments like today, the more I realize all of what I just said.

My wife send me a text a few days ago. "is it ok if I spend the weekend with my parents.?" I text her back and said "enjoy your family. This is what life is all about."

God Bless

Dr.Mike