Day 272 He Died

It must have been around 2pm and their I was crying in front of the program director. It was hard to control my emotions. I didn't know who to talk to once I had found out the news. One of the most well known teaching patients that I had taken care off had past away. He was well known to the teaching staff and residents. I was in shock to find out about him today from one of the residents. It was very painful and heart breaking news. I felt as though a friend had passed away. (I also wrote about him in for my blog a few weeks ago.)

Ironically the attending and I were the last doctors he saw in our hospital. When I found out about it I was in the middle of doing an admission. I tried to hold back my emotion. I wanted to go up stairs and talk to the attending that I had seen with him the last day he was here. It was strange, but I felt that I had to apologize to the attending. I had to say I was sorry. Sorry that I had not done enough. Sorry That I let him down. Sorry that this had to happen. It was strange but I had seen him at noon conference and he had seemed a bit down. I didn't think anything about it, but looking back I think he had found out the news about what had happen, and he might have taken it a bit hard. Or at least he was saddened by what had happen. When I went down the hallway and approached his office- which is right across the program directors office- I had a change of mind and decided to visit the program director. I think I needed someone who was a bit more emotional, not saying that he was not, but I figured that the program director might be more inclined to listen and I decided to first go to see her.

I went to the program director office door and waited for someone who was in her office to leave and she saw me and said "hi mike, anything I can do for you? " I kind of put my head down and told her "I'm not sure if you heard, but N___ L___ died today at R__ W___ hospital. I just found out about it now.....and...... I just wanted to say..... ( started having a bit of tears) We tried everything we can to help him. Me and doctor G___ tried everything, and he just didn't let us help him. We tried...(crying)" She stood up from her chair and closed the door behind us. She said "Mike, don't cry.... you did everything you could. Here have a seat." I sat down at a small round table she has in her office. I sat their and told her "we tried...we tried.." She stared at me a little and with a smile said "you know its OK to have a connection with your patient, we try to do the best we can, and that's all you can do. Its good that you care. Its good that you want to help." My nose started running a bit. She stood up and went to get some tissue paper for me. When she came back we spoke only a few seconds more. I said "thank you for the talk and sorry for interrupting you." She said "no, any time, any time you can come by, don't worry." I stood up and thanked her and left the office. When I stepped out, I went to visit the other attending across her office, but he wasn't in the office. I only saw the secretary and I said hi to her. I figured today when I get home that I would email the attending the brief blog I did about the patient and the situation. I think he would appreciate what I wrote about him and the situation. I'm going to email him now.

God Bless

Dr.Mike

why does God allows evil?
http://www.discoveries08.org/episode-4-high-quality