Day 491 Discovering the Goodness of Life

Well its been a long since I last wrote, and I'm really sorry about it. I know a lot of you follow the blog. I have blog entries that I have written but have not been able to upload them and edit them. I promise to log them all in the coming 2 weeks. I'm about to start my UNIT rotation tomorrow. It will be throughout the month of December. As i'm writing this, it is the last day of my short 2 week vacation.

Overall the year as gone surprisingly fast. Already it is December, and we are in the 7th block. Already there are people coming in for an interviews and tours. I have not been in the hospital while they have been going on, because I was on night float before vacation.

The new interns have been adapting well to the program. And are slowly coming into their own. Slowly they are gaining more confidence and learning the practical aspect of medicine. A few of them are very cocky and proud, but they are good people. you can't help sometimes to be proud and you feel good when you start practicing medicine. One day while you are on the floors, it will kick into to you. And you realize that its not as hard as people make it out to be. And you learn the practical aspects of what you really need to help people.

On another note, I just have not been feeling myself. I have not been able to fully enjoy myself this year. A part of me feels something is missing in my life. I have spent some much time and so many years trying to get here. I think a lot of you understand what I mean. The countless hours studying to no end. Constant disappointments and surrounded by people that just don't understand what you are going through- having to takes these exams over and over again, sometimes to no avail. It use to seem that there was no light at the end of the tunnel. You read these experiences daily in the forums. Countless people frustrated and in tears over their plight. And can say that i understand a great deal of them and you.

I use to wake up in the morning not caring, not smiling, pondering the unforeseen future. It seems as though the impossible would never happen. Its as if you are walking in a circle over and over again.

I went through the match about 3 times, and each time it seemed more pointless and meaning less. Countless of times I use to sit at my table in the room, staring into the blank walls. Motionless and with no emotion. You become numb to the situation. You get to the point of surrendering. you get to the point where you just say "I'm gonna try and do everything I can, and if it doesn't work out, then so be it."

I'm not saying that we all go through this experience like this. A lot of us are fortunate to have the support from people will love and our families, but even then deep down inside you realize that they don't really understand fully what you are going through.

And one day the time will come. All your hopes and dreams seem to come true. You go on interviews over and over again. never expecting and always hoping. And then finally a good email !! Not the ones from ecfmg that simple crush your dreams in a two line sentence, but the email-the one offering you a positions in residency. It seems that for a while the sun is always shining. even in the raining days you still can see the sun, well at least a part of it. Almost every problem seems minuscule compared to what you have just tackled. And yes as time passes by and you receive what you have always wanted, it seems as though something is missing.. you look around yourself. you see that you are surrounded by people you love and care about it. You help them with their problems. You live the life you have wanted and yet their seems like something is missing in your heart.

Cold play in one of their songs "fix you" says sometimes in life " you get what you want but not what you need.". And think that's exactly what happens to many of people that attain things they have been fighting for their entire lives. Be it a career or position. May material possessions or relationships. you see it all the time in holly wood. The super rich with everything anyone could "want" out of life. And they are some of the most unhappy people you see. Sigmund Freud was once ask who did he prefer to treat "the rich or the poor?" he responded by saying "the rich, because they understand that money cannot solve all your problems." Perhaps this comment might ring true for many of us. We spend our life chasing material things, but maybe their is more to life than wealth, power and positions. Don't get me wrong. I think what we do with our lives is special. We need to dedicate our lives for a higher purpose in service of others, but what i'm talking about perhaps takes it a step further.

I can only speak of what I'm experiencing now. I feel that something is missing in my life. I think I have reached a peak, and yet it seems I'm still not thinking clearly. Its as if I'm not complete yet. I have been thinking about it for weeks and hours at a time. I have tried to put it off and tried to take my mind off of it. But I still feel a hole in my heart. An empty space.

There are certain people that attain tremendous wealth, and when they reach to that level and realize that they are still not happy. they panic. They are perplexed. They don't understand how they could have what everyone wants and what everyone thinks will make them happy. And yet when they have all these things and they are still not fully happy, they go into s state of depression or denial. many of them reach out to different things to try to relieve the feeling. More expensive homes, more vacations, more exotic gifts and spending, more dating, more of "everything". And yet at the end of the day, while they lie their on their bed staring into the dark ceiling of their bedroom they can't help but still notice that emptiness inside. Its what I have been feeling now for a while. I didn't want to share it, but then I thought it would not be truthful and I wanted it be part of my written journey throughout residency. I guess that's why I haven't updated the blog recently.

Furthermore, as I looked back on my experience and present moment. I analyzed and pondered over my life daily and I realized what I had been missing. It was a spiritual hole in my heart. I wanting for something deep and spiritual which i haven't obtained. A deeper inner emptiness that God once filled in my life. Its a separation with God that hurts. Its the same feeling you get when you haven't been home in a long time. Its also the same feeling you get when you are away from your love ones for a long time. When they are not with you. You feel empty. You are not the same. Your time and happiness is not complete. Its the best way that I can describe to you what i'm feeling and what I have been going through.

I've come to realize that their is a higher level of being in life. One that you don;t often discover, since we spend our lives chasing our dreams.. Chasing positions and people. We rarely get what we want in life. And sometimes when we do get it, we realize that there is more to life that what we expected. Their is a higher level of happiness found in other things than what we were chasing. It could probably take someone a long time to discover. It has taken me all my life, since trying to become a doctor is usually a lifetimes work. But overall my life has been a blessings. the lessons I have learned have not been easy, but sometimes that's how we learn them- the hard way. But the knowledge and realizations of these truths are probably worth a lot more than anything that possibly life could offer. A deep spiritual peace and love cannot be purchased. I hope that in time I could unlock its secrets. I hope that god can fill the emptiness in my soul. I pray that God has mercy on my soul and shows me his way. I hope i can learn to know him better like I once did. I think I have been to distracted by the things in life. And I have separated myself from all the goodness of God.

Let us hope in the coming weeks and new year that my happiness may one day be complete.

I wish you the best in the coming match. Congratulations to those that have gotten interview and have gone on them. Don't give up. keep your head....

God bless

Dr.Mike