Day 10: You are not Alone

In one of the chapters of the ICU book, it starts of by saying that “many people believe that intensive care is about saving lives, when in realty it is about relieving suffering”. I think most young interns and doctors start their career with this idea in mind-saving lives, yet the reality is that we tend mostly to treat suffering. It didn't take long for me to learn this painful truth. No matter how much you care. No matter how much medicine you know. Know matter how much effort you put into caring for someone. The truth is that you can't save everyone. Starting in the Icu as my first rotation has been a blessing and a curse. It’s been a curse because it painfully wakes you up to the reality that sometimes theirs not much I can do. You witness the utter depts of suffering. In my first week I witness a woman who had slit her wrist 4 times and had gone into multiorgan failure and ultimately death. I've seen a few drug overdoses and alcohol withdrawls, leading to coma. Yet amongs all this human tragedy there are a few doctors that are willing to give everything they have for the sake of the patient. Doctors that dont give up. There are superman and woman in all hospitals. They are few, but you will find them. When I first came to this hospital for an interview, I asked the program director "who were the residents that stood out? In all his 15 yrs experience, who were the residents that stood far above the rest?" He responded by saying "the best residents I've seen are the ones that truly care about their patience. They are curious as to the "why" of something that happens to their patient, and they are wiling to go that extra mile to find out what’s going on." It didn't take long to notice these words in my hospital. I learned it by watching superman (superman is nickname I gave to another resident. See previous post) in action and going the extra mile.
Its a blessing and a curse to be sourrounded by good doctors because you want to be just like them. You want to be caring. You want to do everything you can for your patients. You want to have "all" the answers, and bring them back from sudden death. Yet you realize your limitations. You quickly learn that what you read in a book takes skill to apply it to real life. You lack experience, but your desire is their. And its painful to not be able to execute or treat critical patients instantly. You want to help, but you just "can't". However, its difficult to be able to properly treat a patient with multi organ failure and other critical conditions properly when you have only been a resident for 8 days. But the desire burns inside you-the desire to want to do something- but the painful realty that you can't.
Now more than ever, I believe that some of us are destined to be Doctors- with so many exams to pass and so many years of studying and struggle and with applying to a program with 2000-3000 applicants and only 9 spots up for grabs (a chance of less than 1%). Getting into residency for many of us is FATE. I believe it’s my destiny. I was put here for a purpose. By God's grace I was put exactly where I'm at , to make a difference in someone's life. We are here to change people's lives. And even if we are to help someone in their suffering, even for a brief moment, and even if we were to make someone's life on this earth a bit easier for someone to live, then all our years of studying would have been worth it.
There was one patient that I saw- a 60 yr old F that was in the ICU for CHF exacerbation and renal failure-she has about 5 different doctors and specialist. I saw her once and introduced myself to her. I told her I was one of the residents in this floor taking care of her. We spoke for a while and at the end of our conversation she says she was thankful to God for everything. The second she mentioned God, I realized she was abeliever. Before I left I turned to her and said. "I just want to tell you that you are not alone. Sometimes life hurts. It’s painful. You are surrounded by people yet you still fell alone. You still feel pain and sadness, but you are not alone. God is with you. Only someone that can read your mind, and look into your heart can truly understand what you are going through. God is with you. Remember that. He is just a thought away." She stared at me, and almost started to cry. But she was very happy. She agreed with me. The next day I walked into her room again, her daughter was their and she said “my mom can't stop talking about you. She said you are the greatest doctor” I put my head down and said "no,no" She also wanted to know if I have a business card. I guess she didn’t know I only started my career 7 days ago. I didn’t do much. I didn't cure her renal failure or heart failure. There isn't much "anyone" can do. But what we can do is give her comfort. Give her Hope. Hope in the fact that she is not alone. The pain and fear she can get rid of if she puts her faith in God and Jesus. It really felt good that she was smiling after I spoke to her. Even for a moment, if it made gave her a bit of strength and hope in dealing with her pain, all the struggle I have had mad eme realize that it was worth it.

Jesus Loves you
Dr.Mike